Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Born underneath the sun, iamheated. My skin is pale it doesn't glow so my soul doesn't shine. Are you happy for me? Nay. I can not be happy for anyone. We are all objects of affection, when it's needed. Modern day hell we've walking in to the slumps of swamp creeks and tussled with the reindeer's of the forest. When do you notice your heart beat? Are you self aware? I fall asleep with my hand on my chest every single night. My commentary is exhausting. Are you ready to die? Well not just yet. When will stop all this self abuse? Soon.We are born with wings but most just shrivel up and fall off as we progress physically,mentally and spiritually. Time machines will never be built because revenge isn't worth anything. Again, why are you so stuck on nothing if it's nothing? We shouldn't have to be in any of this alone.
Did you know that she has potential to do anything she wants? Anything at all. She's beautiful. She's brilliant but vaguely unaware. Most of the time she's in denial. They are all in denial. This isn't about me,you or anyone. This is about the whole and the bits & pieces. The precious skin we are within. It's true. You know? The ones you least expect to love you with every molecule they posses...are infatuated from a distance. Sometimes the distance is abridged. Now what do you do? You runaway of course. They say secrets aren't meant to be kept between lovers, but some people have graves and closets spilling over. I can picture it all and it's all a fantasy within my realm. Don't worry child you'll be alright. As soon as you hit puberty it becomes clear(er). From the very second you walk into the room and not a word is spoken, until pinnacle of all the highest mountain top you reach, you can have it all. Do you want it? She's so unsure and uncertain.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Nothing is > than no one.
Nothing is that sign of relief when panic attacks.
Why do we start to fade?
Hope is in...
Garbage bags you're about to drop off.
Don't mind me, I don't mind.
..as if there will always be a need for more. An empty void that needs filling. It seems like in the eye of the storm our fears get the best of us and some just vanish. Satisfaction? I don't think it exist. Quality over quantity. In some basket cases' quantity over quality. Above all, women are really vulnerable in the arms of hope. We(the people) are led astray and the domino effects are endless. I say no, but you want a yes. Shall I replace my nose? (haha) Everything is surrounded by SKIN. Misery hovers over her head but no one wants to keep her company. The love, oh the love is always available but never really visible because there is no such thing as good. Cynicism is worn around her belly as a belt and the Jam. Oh the Jam keeps it all together like interlocked fingers. You are a mystery. I feel like I don't know you. Whose to toss the Frisbee back and fourth with me? Gravity hurts....so stop pulling me down.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Who's to blame for our parents mistakes? We blame their parents. We blame their environments. We blame whoever they were raised by and where ever they were raised. When our mother's aren't as nurturing as nature intended...How are we supposed to turn out? There's just too many thoughts I can not gather to complete this written 'thought'.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
I’m far from the happiest person but I like to promote positivity. (As best as I could). I read, I listen, I acknowledge, and I rewrite. Most the time I’m down as shit but hey that’s just shit I have to get over/ trying to get over. I asked my mother what she wants for Christmas and she said nothing but her health. Something we should all want. We should practice loving ourselves and loving each other. Who else is going to do these things? It’s sad that on a daily basis we’re constantly putting each other down on some immature/ignorant/closed minded/arrogant shit. We are living, growing and learning with time. It’s all an experience why can’t it be a joyous one? I know, I know everything isn’t a walk in the park…but you get what I’m saying. Fruck man stop screwing with a fucked mind state. Spread the love.
I am not a selfish person. I have selfish tendencies sometimes & I blame my moms. Our house is divided...and it's been like this for as far back as I can remember. It even goes as far as she has a fridge in her room. Everything I buy is for me and everything she buys is for her. I dare not ever ask her for shit. My survival is really questionable butt I find a way. Well the point of this is it feels good to actually be able to buy loved ones gifts this year. I'm not even expecting anything in return, haven't in a long time and will continue to do so. It just feels good. Yo no matter what the conversation it always ends with a $$. smh man
Monday, December 20, 2010
I don't think people understand how rapidly my mood can change. Shit I still don't understand it myself. People always trying to hang out and I just can't hang out most times. That's something people just don't understand and I can't explain myself. I don't even know why people like me...most times.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Every single time I hear this out my mother's mouth I cringe. Shit anytime I hear it out anyone's mouth. It's never been a favorite 'phrase' of mine. Anytime it's spoken from my mouth it doesn't feel 'very' genuine. It's more like a in the moment type of thing, a returned compliment. Damn it. What's wrong with me. I love cookies. I love music. I can say that easily. But whenever it involves another human being. Maybe because I can't quite love myself my love for everyone else just isn't there like I hope it would be. It's there but not really. Does that make sense? bleblahblu.
The Universal Power Never Judges or Criticizes
- It only accepts us at our own value. Then it reflects our beliefs in our lives. If I want to believe that life is lonely and that nobody loves me, then that is what I will find in my world.
- However, if I am willing to release that belief and to affirm for myself that ''Love is everywhere, and I am loving and lovable,'' and to hold on to that new affirmation and to repeat it often, then it will become true for me. Now, loving people will come into my life, th e people already in my life will become more loving to me, and I will find myself easily expressing love to others.
Book; You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
eye like a tiger; speed of lightning
It's sad that 'we' (as in the human race) are always ending up like something/someone we once hated. It's sad that 'we' tend to do the opposite of our complaints. 'We' tend to talk a lot of jibberish but situations really test our actions and actions speak louder than words. 50% of the time we're caught up like a deer in the headlights and rely on peer pressure to influence these actions. I mean 'we' want to do the opposite, we even try telling ourselves. 'No. Feet move forward not backwards.' Even though the past is a bucket full of ashes it's hard escaping those buckets. They are everywhere! These things just make people & their lives questionable.
I don't care.
I do but I don't.
Can you share?
I could but I won't.
Why so scared?
Because we are made to love out of fear(s).
A bunch of shit laughs exhale out.
A bunch of phony breden brothers bask in it,
Exchange pounds and wear layers of it.
The keeper goes as far as 'it' is kept.
Under lock & key them tears have went
The soldier receives his Badge of honor.
Through the eyes of the outsiders they are heroic.
'Kill them all'
We thought we were awake in our dreams.
But Captain would come whisper in our ears late nights.
As if dreaming wasn't enough burdens on our subconscious minds
The demons lay awake fiddling with broken souls.
And plenty of our soles were worn out, broken , and falling apart.
Hopeful as the encouragement we've received in our first and last letters.
104, 96, 34, 67
Is of the feeling and it feels good to watch the sunrise and set.
We need proof that we are alive.
It is the only tactic of survive we understand.
Everything else is strange.
to be continued...
I was watching this really old movie about Santa Claus. It looked like something straight from the 60's or earlier in time. The storyboard was a typical 'Santa Claus Fairy Tale' type movie but the interesting part was the Devil was involved in this movie. I was just like O.o. Basically Santa was like a God. He rode 'round the world on his sleigh with his reindeer magically popping up in people's homes. (mad sus) He delivered Christmas gifts to the good kids & coal to the misbehaved ones. Typical Santa shit but everywhere this Santa went the Devil followed trying to Fruck shit up. The Devil would whisper in people's ears to get them to act of character (Sin). Rather interesting I must say. The last part I remember (before drifting off to sleep) was the the Devil actually almost ruined things for Santa and his career. He set Santa up & shit but the big homie got away. The message(s) they were trying to convey to the audience was Good vs Evil. Good things happen to Good people. Bad things happen to Bad people. (bull) There's is always going to be this battle between our inner demons & our outer ones. blahblahblah The movie was sending subliminal Biblical messages b/c you can not have a movie involving with the Devil and not have shit reference back to God.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
I love words but you know pictures are worth that thesis paper you have to present at the end of your college education. I used to own this cute little red camera a long time ago but took it to the beach it stopped working. :| The sand ruins everything, like the little bomb speaker I got from U.O. on $sale$. Well I often wish I had a camera. I love taking pictures always have. The only camera I have now is my shitty ass web camera & my cell phone camera (which actually takes excellent pictures). I don't even want one of those expensive rass cams b/c then ppl will try to call me 'another photographer?' yea... It would be nice to just have a little camera that takes decent pictures & decent HD videos. Tis All. Oh yea I need to get these pictures developed, when the cash is avail. -_-
Saturday, December 4, 2010
My body's feeling like shit. Like this shit is constantly feeling like shit. I can't eat or drink anything without some sort of shit happening. It frucking sucks. I feel like I'm 90 years old or some shit. I should not feel like I'm dying every single day. It's like this shit is always trying to shut down. I'm grateful for waking up each day (sometimes). I just noticed I'm an apocalyptic dreamer. Shit is scray as fruck but interesting at the same time. Most times I wish I could either shit out or throw up all my problems but then I'll spend most my 'life' i n the bathroom el oh el.