care.full

Born underneath the sun, iamheated. My skin is pale it doesn't glow so my soul doesn't shine. Are you happy for me? Nay. I can not be happy for anyone. We are all objects of affection, when it's needed. Modern day hell we've walking in to the slumps of swamp creeks and tussled with the reindeer's of the forest. When do you notice your heart beat? Are you self aware? I fall asleep with my hand on my chest every single night. My commentary is exhausting. Are you ready to die? Well not just yet. When will stop all this self abuse? Soon.We are born with wings but most just shrivel up and fall off as we progress physically,mentally and spiritually. Time machines will never be built because revenge isn't worth anything. Again, why are you so stuck on nothing if it's nothing? We shouldn't have to be in any of this alone.

mad.house

Did you know that she has potential to do anything she wants? Anything at all. She's beautiful. She's brilliant but vaguely unaware. Most of the time she's in denial. They are all in denial. This isn't about me,you or anyone. This is about the whole and the bits & pieces. The precious skin we are within. It's true. You know? The ones you least expect to love you with every molecule they posses...are infatuated from a distance. Sometimes the distance is abridged. Now what do you do? You runaway of course. They say secrets aren't meant to be kept between lovers, but some people have graves and closets spilling over. I can picture it all and it's all a fantasy within my realm. Don't worry child you'll be alright. As soon as you hit puberty it becomes clear(er). From the very second you walk into the room and not a word is spoken, until pinnacle of all the highest mountain top you reach, you can have it all. Do you want it? She's so unsure and uncertain.

Less.than

Nothing.

Nothing is > than no one.

Nothing is that sign of relief when panic attacks.

Just nada.

Options. Choices.

Everyone's no.one.

Someone's everyone.

Black

Black

Black

Why do we start to fade?

Wanka.

Hope is in...

Garbage bags you're about to drop off.

Don't mind me, I don't mind.

It seems..

..as if there will always be a need for more. An empty void that needs filling. It seems like in the eye of the storm our fears get the best of us and some just vanish. Satisfaction? I don't think it exist. Quality over quantity. In some basket cases' quantity over quality. Above all, women are really vulnerable in the arms of hope. We(the people) are led astray and the domino effects are endless. I say no, but you want a yes. Shall I replace my nose? (haha) Everything is surrounded by SKIN. Misery hovers over her head but no one wants to keep her company. The love, oh the love is always available but never really visible because there is no such thing as good. Cynicism is worn around her belly as a belt and the Jam. Oh the Jam keeps it all together like interlocked fingers. You are a mystery. I feel like I don't know you. Whose to toss the Frisbee back and fourth with me? Gravity hurts....so stop pulling me down.

Happy Holidays.

Blame Game.

Who's to blame for our parents mistakes? We blame their parents. We blame their environments. We blame whoever they were raised by and where ever they were raised. When our mother's aren't as nurturing as nature intended...How are we supposed to turn out? There's just too many thoughts I can not gather to complete this written 'thought'.

Real Talk.

I’m far from the happiest person but I like to promote positivity. (As best as I could). I read, I listen, I acknowledge, and I rewrite. Most the time I’m down as shit but hey that’s just shit I have to get over/ trying to get over. I asked my mother what she wants for Christmas and she said nothing but her health. Something we should all want. We should practice loving ourselves and loving each other. Who else is going to do these things? It’s sad that on a daily basis we’re constantly putting each other down on some immature/ignorant/closed minded/arrogant shit. We are living, growing and learning with time. It’s all an experience why can’t it be a joyous one? I know, I know everything isn’t a walk in the park…but you get what I’m saying. Fruck man stop screwing with a fucked mind state. Spread the love.

Holidays.

I am not a selfish person. I have selfish tendencies sometimes & I blame my moms. Our house is divided...and it's been like this for as far back as I can remember. It even goes as far as she has a fridge in her room. Everything I buy is for me and everything she buys is for her. I dare not ever ask her for shit. My survival is really questionable butt I find a way. Well the point of this is it feels good to actually be able to buy loved ones gifts this year. I'm not even expecting anything in return, haven't in a long time and will continue to do so. It just feels good. Yo no matter what the conversation it always ends with a $$. smh man

Purple - Dilla

Moody.

I don't think people understand how rapidly my mood can change. Shit I still don't understand it myself. People always trying to hang out and I just can't hang out most times. That's something people just don't understand and I can't explain myself. I don't even know why people like me...most times.

The cameras are disposable but the memories are forever.

Just a picture from the film developed. I love the looks of this.

Moon Shoes.

Midnight In A Perfect World - Dj Shadow

I love you.

Every single time I hear this out my mother's mouth I cringe. Shit anytime I hear it out anyone's mouth. It's never been a favorite 'phrase' of mine. Anytime it's spoken from my mouth it doesn't feel 'very' genuine. It's more like a in the moment type of thing, a returned compliment. Damn it. What's wrong with me. I love cookies. I love music. I can say that easily. But whenever it involves another human being. Maybe because I can't quite love myself my love for everyone else just isn't there like I hope it would be. It's there but not really. Does that make sense? bleblahblu.

The Universal Power Never Judges or Criticizes

• It only accepts us at our own value. Then it reflects our beliefs in our lives. If I want to believe that life is lonely and that nobody loves me, then that is what I will find in my world.
• However, if I am willing to release that belief and to affirm for myself that ''Love is everywhere, and I am loving and lovable,'' and to hold on to that new affirmation and to repeat it often, then it will become true for me. Now, loving people will come into my life, th e people already in my life will become more loving to me, and I will find myself easily expressing love to others.

Book; You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay.

Well A.where

eye like a tiger; speed of lightning

It's sad that 'we' (as in the human race) are always ending up like something/someone we once hated. It's sad that 'we' tend to do the opposite of our complaints. 'We' tend to talk a lot of jibberish but situations really test our actions and actions speak louder than words. 50% of the time we're caught up like a deer in the headlights and rely on peer pressure to influence these actions. I mean 'we' want to do the opposite, we even try telling ourselves. 'No. Feet move forward not backwards.' Even though the past is a bucket full of ashes it's hard escaping those buckets. They are everywhere! These things just make people & their lives questionable.

Frio x Gabby. OG homies.

Demonic Forces.

Come forth at Midnight.

De Face.

This is the faces I seen. el oh el I got lazy.

I really wish I could draw or paint sometimes.

Image by Malaika Aminata

Free Thought(s) - mono.tistic

I don't care.

I do but I don't.

Can you share?

I could but I won't.

Why so scared?

Because we are made to love out of fear(s).

A bunch of shit laughs exhale out.

A bunch of phony breden brothers bask in it,

Exchange pounds and wear layers of it.

The keeper goes as far as 'it' is kept.

Under lock & key them tears have went

The soldier receives his Badge of honor.

Through the eyes of the outsiders they are heroic.

'Kill them all'

We thought we were awake in our dreams.

But Captain would come whisper in our ears late nights.

As if dreaming wasn't enough burdens on our subconscious minds

The demons lay awake fiddling with broken souls.

And plenty of our soles were worn out, broken , and falling apart.

Hopeful as the encouragement we've received in our first and last letters.

Names?

104, 96, 34, 67

Time?

Is of the feeling and it feels good to watch the sunrise and set.

Purpose?

Proof.

We need proof that we are alive.

It is the only tactic of survive we understand.

Everything else is strange.

to be continued...

Early this morning (3-4am)

I was watching this really old movie about Santa Claus. It looked like something straight from the 60's or earlier in time. The storyboard was a typical 'Santa Claus Fairy Tale' type movie but the interesting part was the Devil was involved in this movie. I was just like O.o. Basically Santa was like a God. He rode 'round the world on his sleigh with his reindeer magically popping up in people's homes. (mad sus) He delivered Christmas gifts to the good kids & coal to the misbehaved ones. Typical Santa shit but everywhere this Santa went the Devil followed trying to Fruck shit up. The Devil would whisper in people's ears to get them to act of character (Sin). Rather interesting I must say. The last part I remember (before drifting off to sleep) was the the Devil actually almost ruined things for Santa and his career. He set Santa up & shit but the big homie got away. The message(s) they were trying to convey to the audience was Good vs Evil. Good things happen to Good people. Bad things happen to Bad people. (bull) There's is always going to be this battle between our inner demons & our outer ones. blahblahblah The movie was sending subliminal Biblical messages b/c you can not have a movie involving with the Devil and not have shit reference back to God.

Pictures.

I love words but you know pictures are worth that thesis paper you have to present at the end of your college education. I used to own this cute little red camera a long time ago but took it to the beach it stopped working. :| The sand ruins everything, like the little bomb speaker I got from U.O. on $sale$. Well I often wish I had a camera. I love taking pictures always have. The only camera I have now is my shitty ass web camera & my cell phone camera (which actually takes excellent pictures). I don't even want one of those expensive rass cams b/c then ppl will try to call me 'another photographer?' yea... It would be nice to just have a little camera that takes decent pictures & decent HD videos. Tis All. Oh yea I need to get these pictures developed, when the cash is avail. -_-

Devil in A New Dress.

Star Tears.

Hello December 2010

'Waiting on death to move up out the same chair.'

Shit Man Shit.

My body's feeling like shit. Like this shit is constantly feeling like shit. I can't eat or drink anything without some sort of shit happening. It frucking sucks. I feel like I'm 90 years old or some shit. I should not feel like I'm dying every single day. It's like this shit is always trying to shut down. I'm grateful for waking up each day (sometimes). I just noticed I'm an apocalyptic dreamer. Shit is scray as fruck but interesting at the same time. Most times I wish I could either shit out or throw up all my problems but then I'll spend most my 'life' i n the bathroom el oh el.

blap

I just want to be able to provide for those who have provided for me. I get so angry when I can't do the simplest things for people like get a birthday gift. I just want a steady income so I could take of myself & the ones I love.

'I live for the nights that I can’t remember,

with the people I won’t forget

spending all the money I just work my ass off

for doing things that I wont regret

I’ve been waiting way too long long long long'

-Drake (Show Me A Good Time)

I am the alpha and omega.

Lets have a toast to new beginnings. The older I get the less attachment I have to things and the easier it is for me to start over.

mobile uploads

When I'm depressed my thoughts are greater. I think I'm gonna sink.

boowho.

I'm down for no apparent reason but this is nothing new. I make myself this way. I spend valuable time doing pointless things. I'm not even trying to think about the future, just grateful to wake up each morning. (It's what I hope for). I'm far from serious and my attention span is shorter than them little hairs growing back underneath your armpits that you can't quite shave(el oh el). My stomach fruckin sucks. My house sucks. Not looking forward to these fockers in this casa on Thursday. My phone sucks. I barely pay attention to it and so it stays on silent. Don 't text or call me I am thee worse(sometimes). It quite frustrating a lot of things. Day in and day out.

.-.

Go To Sleep.

HerFavColor

We are one in the same

words painting pictures

keeping eyes and ears entertained.

fingers Interlocked

kinks Entwined

My King, you lay high up on my pedestal

each night I make love to your shrine.

Sacred lovely lips...

where only water falls of truth spill,

deep into hopeful rivers

of junior impressionable thrills.

Never mind these leather man jackets, high top fades, and below the rim belts

crushing up asphalt dreams

cigarillos sorta helped.

-dancing in between; time weaves -

Throw away calendars and clocks

and let us all

shimmy down dull dangerous blocks

where piles of leaves and leftover hearts lay astray

scattered, tossed about

Marco Polo they call out...

But soon he calls in to call out.

and they forget their place.

As well as the paste.

Saliva is present to save thy day.

Eddie Kendricks - Date With The Rain (disco mix)

A Single flower in a Vase.

Walking in the rain, I'm walking in the rain. Hiding my tears in the rain. I have a date with the rain.

Side Note:

Just like objects can be replaced; People can as well. Fickle minded frucks. My words will anger you indeed because you'll think they're about you. I love mind frucking you all. Well it's hard forgetting and replacing those that have had an impact on your life...but it can be done.

Guidance.

I pray to the universe each night and each morning. In need of guidance.

Spinal Fluids.

Worries.

Don't ever worry about me for I'll ALWAYS be OK. If I'm not OK...please still don't worry. Things are meant to happen and If I died tomorrow don't worry.

Q:

A Blind man is forced to love the things he can't see, but those with site can't love the things that can be seen. Why is this?

From a distance.

I wish you all love, peace of mind, and happiness.

Text.

Come explore thee cave of hidden dreams, wishes, hopes and love beams. Cold hearted on the surface it may seem, but deep down in her dark pits of fear, there's a love child hidden within. Not from the unmarried parents but a child filled with much love. Much love, much much love.

Dream Land.

'Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real.' -Tupac

Dreams will always serve as an escape route from reality. They sail you away far from reality for the time being. Hush little baby and close those eyes. Dream on and forever.

Don't mention it.

All she could do was watch from a distance. Frustrated because there was nothing she could do. What could she do? It's unpleasant listening to them distant tears and watching loved one's in secret pain. Secluded pain. Hidden in a bottle, a box, or trunk. When they're alone they tend to open up these hidden secrets and sulk. Sink & sulk deep into the pain, it's penetrating. The pain one keeps to oneself. It's frustrating, sharing those secrets. Who really understands or cares to listen? Loved ones such as our parents try to stay strong around us. Parents put up the biggest front for the sake of a child's sanity. Everyday she wishes to save the world. Everyday she prays for the world.

Lesson Learned.

The things people say out of anger are 100% out of anger. Their whole emotional state & mind state are totally off and most likely they don't really mean it. Just Sometimes one's pride should be set aside and mistakes realized. People should never just jump to conclusions based on their own point of view. The circumference of the circle (situation) should be measured first.

Mistake much?

You ever thought you meet someone new and they're just really something different? Your unsure of feeling sat first but then you've grown attached to this person & oh Gosh you HATE getting attached to people. You hate opening up for people. All that feelings crap is just ugh annoying so yo rather keep to yourself. Until you've met that one person you're so comfortable with. Those dark secrets you have buried deep within your memories are now resurrected. Things you pledged to oneself you would never share with anyone else but oneself. Man oh Man as time progresses things always changing and therefore people are constantly changing. That person you once admired is nowcategorized and put into a folder shoved in a draw somewhere. I really thought you were someone different. Well, Something different. A part from the flesh we're covered in, your mind could look pass it all. I just don't understand. whatever im done.

=[

I'm just so sad at this very moment.

Like A Bone I'm So Breakable.

Standing real tall in these streets.

I am the man these men fail to see.

Constantly on the flee from each other

Eventually one brother will encounter another

And the lover faced with another.

Run away Run away keep on running.

Don't run with me.

I'm not sure where I'll end up.

One Rebulic - Prodigal

“There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better, for worse, as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried. “ -Ralph Waldo Emerson…”

I tend to forget...

That I have to just LIVE my life sometimes. No concerns. No worries. Who cares what people think? It is truly a waste of valuable time. Fruck psychics and palm readers. The Future isn't meant to be known. You can't see it. You can't predict it. You can't control it. But you can Prepare for it. How can someone tell us about a future we can't see? Things in life are meant to be figured out. The truth isn't meant to be seen. It's our job to find it. (For all seekers) Death is inevitable & we have to come into terms with life's contract one day. Everyone should just live their life ass freely as possible. Do the things you love. Be with the people you love. Be humble. Just Lovelovelove. Being stuck in any state of anger, melancholy, and fear is like a stick in the mud you never moving. Unless someone comes along and pulls you out. But since we are born into this world alone we have to do things for ourselves.

Crumbles.

‘Oh that’s the way the cookie crumbles.’

Who is a strong believer in this saying? :raises hand: I know I am. It’s just a short answer to most of life’s questions and problems. No explanation needed. Everything is everything. Shit just happens. That’s how life goes. The direction in which the wind blows we’ll never know. This isn’t true. We can change things but changing our thoughts.

”Or you may have a different belief. Perhaps you’re not even aware of your belief. Most people really aren’t. They just see the outer circumstances as being the way the cookie crumbles. Until someone can show you the connection between the outer experiences and inner thoughts , you remain a victim in life. Whatever the problem is, it comes from a thought pattern, and thought patterns can be changed! No matter how difficult an issue we are dealing with, it is only an outer result or the effect of an inner thought pattern.” (Louise L. Hay)

LETS THINK GOOD THOUGHTS PEOPLE.

Chromeo - I Can't Tell You Why

cuddle fuddle.

I love feeling the sun shine down and grace my skin with Vitamin D. I hate when it’s too hot outside. I love the warm summer nights & the warm summer rain. As I’m writing these things I haven’t been outside in a couple days. For the past two days I would take a shower lather up and get dressed. Work on this nest sitting upon my head and get dressed. Getting dressed is where I stop. After I just sit around in my clothes or stare out the window observing the animals and people. (There are like a billion stray cats in my area now.) Uh I’m thinking these thoughts and trying to persuade myself you can step foot outside today all you have to do is get your ipod and be on your way. BUT like my weight my emotions are constantly fluctuating. It’s really annoying. Sometimes I don’t like moving until I have to. I give up on a lot of things before even trying.

CAN I PLEASE?

Feel normal again ?

I wonder how she feels

Acne

Stretch Marks

Unwanted hairs

Love handles

I wonder how she feels.

Short hair

Little butt

Tiny little breast

I wonder how she feels.

Dark skin

Scars

Big Feet

Old Clothes

I wonder how she feels.

No Kisses

No dates

No friends

I wonder how she feels.

Homeless

Fearful

Depression

I wonder how she feels.

Poetry

Secret cuts

Drunken nights

High times

I wonder how she feels.

Loneliness

Suicide

Death

They all wonder how she felt.

(Found in the back one my notebooks from H.S.)

April 20th 2010 (An Excerpt from my notebook)

Heart beat coming to a halt. For my body is to weak to fight these battles any longer. Thoughts are increasingly breaking me down. The pain is unbearable at times but I say nothing and just keep to myself. Why? There's no point in talking to anyone who doesn't care. No one cares about anyone but themselves and the materials they possess. It's proven. They'll ask if everything is ok & you nod your head. Silent Screams go unrecognized and unheard for so long...until it's way to late...

They yell at you because your to quiet and oh so monotone. They never realized that you listened to everything they said and kept replaying it like your favorite song on repeat, in the back of your mind.

She tried to fight these battles but just wasn't strong enough. Yes! She is weak. She wasn't always so frail until her eyes were open to this world she's existing in. (Not fully in existence) Nothing is as it seems. Nothing ever is or ever was. So much to say and yet so little time. It's becoming harder to socialize with publiceyes.

These headaches, Stomach pains, Heart pains...

Seven Eleven

1 + 1 = 2

+ 1 = 3

+ 1 = 4

+ 1 = 5

+ 1 = 6

+ 1 = 7

+ 1 = 8

+ 1 = 9

+ 10 = 19yrs.later.still.alive.

I am Just.

My sexual orientation = None, I am just.
My penis is nonexistent.
My vaginal fluids are nonexistent.
I can not produce.
My mother bearing hips are non existent,
And therefore I can not take care of you.
I can not be your housewife or slave.

-Ollie('Tis I)

'Memories' by Nemo.

"Memories" - Nemo (Music Video) from Dylan Knight on Vimeo.

Asunder.

I was never anything you were looking for, but I was always there visible to the human eye (sometimes). Most of the time I stood behind you hoping you'll turn around and love me like you'll never see me again. Waking up thinking I woke up! Oh how I am grateful that my heart is beating and I didn't fade away just before they got to know me.

We want to love and we want to be loved. when no one tells us that they love us there is no reason to love thyself. The love they share with us, just a moment of intoxication, Wasted Affection.
Which leaves your mind, body, and soul yearning for more. Hoping the next day, just hoping for Sober affection. But in an instant you snap back to reality and realize no one loves you. Welcome to heartbreak, your heart shuts down with no intentions of beating again. Cold hearten stares whenever your present, the room is filled with chills. Who wants to be around you anymore? Anyone willing to resuscitate you? Al Green said Love & Happiness is all we need...but where is thy companion?

Lay your head on my pillow close to mine and here the whispers of my heart. I'll always be here always and forever. Even when the world is coming to an end my soul will still be floating about ...even if you pretend to love I it's quite OK.

Let's breathe life back into the embryo.

'The Will Power to live as light as a White Feather falling in the middle of the night...'

My belief why we all stay alive is not because of 'God's Plan' but one's actual desire to live.
If there is nothing to live for Why are we still living? Thoughts are the center control for living, breathing, and waking up on a daily basis. (I'm not really sure why I'm still alive) Our thoughts trigger our heart beat, and determine if we are healthy or not. Face it, if you think it...(like magic) it will appear to be happening? Good thoughts breed good health. Why are we waking up? DesireDesireDesireDesireDesireDesire. I'm not saying we can all beat death b/c we can't it's inevitable but we can stay around as long as we want. People also play a big role in helping us live to see another day and so is 'LOVE'. My feelings are as follows...When all the love for us is completely gone or the love for others has vanished than our mind/body/spirit dies along side it all and then the heart beat comes to a halt.

FIN.

4/20

I can feel you hurting, your sufferings...

The excruciating pain that's held deep within your heart. It hurts my heart & stomach. Body and mind. It's hard to eat, hard to breathe and hard to sleep. This pain affects me periodically. We feel the same things. I know we have the same thoughts. Who really cares? Our pleads go unheard. We are unhealthy both mentally & physically. There is absolutely no one to turn to but our pens and notebooks. These are the closet things to our mind, body & soul, our redeemers. They help relieve some of the weight off our brains. Oh what a relief it is to rid some of these burdens we carry about.

Foot Prints.

Instead of taking a walk in my shoes I ask that you put my shoes on first and if you feel you can walk a mile by all means walk.

Take a walk in my shoes and record it. Tell me all about your experience. Were you able to sit in emotions? Did you feel the pain I felt? Were you able to feel the pain from another? Were you? Are u? Please tell me what it was like walking in my shoes. Was it a trip across the street? or Was it a trip thru a forest? A Maze? Tell me how do you feel? Did my shoes fit? Were they uncomfortable? Please tell me all about your experience...

Emotions sit deeper than the human eye is able to process. Silent Screams. Silent Somber. A lot of homo sapiens are afraid of revealing these emotions beneath their surface so their buried deep. Sunken like a treasure chest & X marks the spot. Awaiting the arrival of a person or person(s) to figure out the exact location of this treasure chest and dig it up. Even the most difficult treasure chest is capable of being found. The question is who is willing to invest time in looking for this hidden treasure? Or will the 'concern' be abandoned and an unsolved mystery for eternity?

Silent Somber.

Standing in a tub full of depression
Drowning in strife
Display of False Affection
Relishing in misery
Shit so complicated
This chemistry
Between me and the pen
We get so intimate
She's so fcking innocent
Little Debbie cake
or Debbie Downer
Whatever your name is..
Some call me strange and
Their quick to jump guns
But I got a bullet with their names
and it's Black...
The pain that I managed to sustain
Relinquished from the ink in the pen
Eye Candy for their Brains.

Nothin On You - B.o.B. feat. Bruno Mars

I really like this song & video.
I wish I was a Beautiful girl.

Tyler, The Creator.

Best Mix-tape that I listened to in 2010 so far.

Download today if you are not aware of this greatness.

Yes, I Know..

I write to much.

What can I say?

I love writing.

It's my destiny.

It's why I'm still working on my Rhymes & shit if I'm going to be the greatest Female Lyricist after Lauryn Hill. HAHA? That's only a dream. Right now all I can do is write, progress and hopefully get better in the process. I don't want to end up like some of these 'Rappers' now that are jumping on beats with any type of flows and shit not making any sense with ass quality produced 'Music'. Just speaking my mind here. Everything is a learning process. Greatness isn't obtained over night or in a couple months. HAHA! Like patience it takes time & timing is everything.

P.S...I really really only posts b/c of me not for anyone else or any sort of recognition. So when I posts my link to my blog I'm not sure who reads it, or if anyone reads it at all....I'm just scratching an itch that needs to be scratched. But I thank you all (readers) for taking time out of your lives & reading a couple words or sentences from Me & I hope with each thought you may gain a sense of understanding. :shrugs shoulders:

Let it Flow...

I have to use the bathroom but I don't feel like getting up

It's about 5am & the news says it's about 51degrees right about now

The weather is supposed to start off sunny and then the sky shall be covered with clouds in the late afternoon

I'm not even tired well maybe a little bit but I don't feel like going to sleep just yet maybe after this posts im up watching my twitter timeline im not tweeting I feel no urge in tweeting now a days really well since a couple months ago when my phone was stolen bleblahblue I am also on Tumblr I made my tumblr back in June or May '09 and I never really used it only to reblog people shit and that's what I do now really or write quotes lyrics mainly from songs that im listening to at the moment b/c im always listening to music it's apart of keeping my heart pumpinggg err day oh yea back to tumblr there is this really annoying person on there that just reblogs pics and posts dumb shit just so people could reblog their shit or so people could like their shit like sit down gosh it's annoying i feel like unfollowing them but im such a nice person damn im such a nice person i can't be mean really only to certain people I guess but idk im not going into details I just hate mean things done to nice people maybe i just hate mean things idk im bipolar one minute im ok the next im depressed as fcuk like come on shits annoying i need help i know i do I've mentioned it plenty times before but w.e. I don't even know why im even typing this but w.e. music is playing and this dude has the AC on like come on I cant stop scratching my head it needs to be washed or maybe i need to grease my scalp i hate grease its so heavy i don't even take care of my hair oh and myself hamburgers i eat to many hamburgers but they are so goooood gosh its cold and i still have to use to the bathrooom I still want to disappear idk sometimes i dont want to have any friends and be left alone but i get lonely in my room sometimes I've always been the 'only' child writing in my notebook is what keeps me sane like I've menttioned before oh and this phone I guess ok im going to get up and use the bathroom and fall asleep finally maybe i hope that person stopped on tumblr...

Hmm.

The sad thing about the situation was she never knew you. You never knew her. You were just two people fcking around with each other's company. Two signs within the same, Sign language was the name of communication. Penetration was the game. Ignorance. Stupidity is to blame. Had she known what she knows now. Stupid little girl mislead by a couple compliments & smiles. In search of affection. Soul searching. Souls festering. Damn right shorty was G'd up!

Plan B.

All hope was gone when the fetus was killed,

a life not asked of.

Taken when Plan A was no longer needed,

it's tactics failed.

Plan B was instilled in millions.

I'm still waiting for my light to shine so bright,

it blinds out the bad,

and opens up my third eye,

and more than 10% of my mind

to prosperity.

Can't move so still,

standing here so surreal.

Pains so numb,

it's hard to feel....

or hear anything

better yet understand...

every thing's foreign exchange.

Yes, I know right from wrong,

For I am not mentally incapable

My decisions are that of my own....

Decisions? My Own?

'Fruck ya expect from me?'

'Reality is Fake & Fakes the new Real

Nothings prescribed to me but taking a few pills.' -Budden

Life, Liberty, & The Pursuit of Happiness.

Late night texting with a friend has lead me to write this...

"No one makes me angry, I love the feeling of being happy. Don't you?" That was her question to me that triggered my mind, thoughts and emotional reactions. Anytime I here, see, or read about this 'HAPPY' word I'm on edge because it upsets me how foreign this word is to me. "I wouldn't know what that feels like because most of the time I'm just this negative depressed person." my response. People don't know these different sides of me. Hey isn't life all about the pursuit of happiness? I envy happy people. How can one be happy all the time? or How can people appear to be happy all the time? I want to change but it's hard to when you cant. I TRY to pretend but I don't believe myself...& it isn't genuine at all..

I know I know I talk in circles. Same topics popping up like lil mama & ish. I apologize.

Tolerance.

Tolerance is building up...
She on an uprising
Mute out the noise
Beat building
Circumcising
Round the playground
Shameless women
They make it rain
Pills and shit
Shits all wavy
Brainless hoes
Retarded babies
Destroyer of mankind
Undertaking...maybe
Save me
Panic room....
Public safety
Unstable
They replacing
Pawn on my chest
Hearts racing
Next move
Invisible yes!
Instrumental minds
Steady flowing
Growing out of control
Infection
Affectionate?
No showing
I vomit.

(5:32am randomness)

Sister Souljah.

'She puts a band aid over her broken pieces of her heart, puts Revlon on everything else, and faces the world like perfume on shit with a fake smile and a false sense of security.'

Controller.

'When you depend on people they have control over you and they enjoy having that control until you claim Independence day.' (c)Metri

This is my everyday life. Well rather this is our everyday lives. Why do we allow ourselves to be controlled? Subjected to verbal abuse because I am no Will Smith. Voice so faint. Words so vital.

As I watch people go to work I shake my head at how foolish people are. Wake up early mornings dressed in 'work' clothing....slaving their lives away (daily basis). Slave your life away for this green paper that summons that green-eyed monster. The question is why do we allow ourselves to be this enslaved nation? To accommodate to the cost of living standards? Why do we work for this invisible money? This money is invisible because every dollar that's in our possession is debt in rotation. It's not ours. We are only mislead to believe this. This money is the solution to all of our problems, when in fact it's the biggest instigator. The reason we go to war, the reason we hate, the reason we kill, hello Ben Franklin. From every catastrophe their is profit. This is a fact. Don't believe me? Watch 'The Corporation' it explains it all. Money is the root of all evil.

'Cash Rules Everything Around Me

C.R.E.A.M.

Get the money Dollar, Dollar Bill y'all.'

(c) Wu-Tang Clan

Wake up Call!!

New World Order.

We are in the last stage people, it's time to wake up

& pay attention.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3149990642797444340&ei=ssxvS4egONCGlgf8892nCQ&q=documentaries&hl=en&view=3#

Q & A.

One day I had a question..

(Me) Q:How do we go about summoning these 'Gods' within us?
(Friend) A: You can't summon gods for they will devour us.
(Me) Q: But why? Why would this divine power, this supreme good do such a thing?
(Friend) A: Humans are greedy & hungry for power. They will abuse this power.

Honesty.

This is I.

It is a little past 5am & my emotions are running wild. (What's new?)

'Emotions are fickle' -Joey & guess what I am a cancer as well. Does this really justify my behavior? Indeed it does. We are some Bi-Polar ass creatures so our emotional balance is constantly at Sea Level. I am here. These are my fingers & I am typing. These are my words that I am writing. (at the moment in time) Maybe I just believe that this current state that I am in right now to be the truth? Anyone knows what the truth is? Honestly. I'm just rambling some mumbo jumbo. Sometimes while lying in bed early mornings I can feel my soul trying to escape, but it doesn't go very far. There are a lot of things I wonder. I'm constantly thinking but I tend to keep my thoughts to myself or confide to my notebook. My notebook. Yes it's one of two things that really keep me sane. Music is my other form of therapy. It really keeps me from pleading insanity.

'Confined by four walls

my notebook I bare all,

my pillow my tears fall,

my mind my thoughts crawl...'

I've shed a numerous amount of tears over these pass few months. I find myself shedding tears more & more. Day by day. This is what happens when cookies crumble. This is what happens when the whole world is blind & everyone fails to see. Every one's expectations & doings are not that of their own. What's best for this country isn't always what's best for the Next Country. I'm unsure of life at the moment but I'm sure you are sure. Right?

People really don't understand how much I hate this materialistic, Judgemental ass world. How much I wish to disappear. How much I wish to change things & people but can't? We all are born to die. What's the point of pushing individualism if their words constantly bashing her?

'When the time is right she will appear &

until then it's her time to disappear,

and like a ghost she is gone,

waiting at the bus stop alone,

for that future ride Zig Zag palms.

Who will stand at the bus stop when she arrives back home?'

2010

New year. What does this all mean? Are we really closer to our death? I'm not as positive as others. Actually I'm never positive as some of you may know. If you know me personally or if you've been following my blog posts since 2008. I have no goals or resolutions. I just have hopes & dreams that usually get crushed like a soda can. :kanye shrug?: It will take years for me to actually get my life in order. It will not happen in a day or two, a couple weeks or a 'New Year'. Change happens when it's suppose to happen. When people acknowledge their issues at hand & say 'Hey it's time for a change.' Myself? I can care less. That's my horrid demeanor that I should possible change?

Sometimes I see why others seek religion. It's a form of security. That invisible man in the sky oh how we love you & all that you've done for us. We praise thee. For you are always there when no one is. You are there when I'm at my lowest point. Oh Invisible man in the sky. We praise Thee.

I can never be one of those people. We are in control of our own destinies (as joey told me). We are our own faults & our biggest enemies. Honestly I have no idea where this is going. I just wanted to update my blog & I'm just going along with my mind & fingers.

Hello 2010...